A post of sadnessness

When I first came to know about the mumbai bomb blasts I was drininkg a chilled bottle of Singha Beer on the beach of the Phi- Phi Island in Thailand. I had logged on the the web to check out a few things and the details hit me. After I had read enough and seen enough, I logged out, went on the beach and began to cry.

There is a ghost haunting me more and more everyday. It is the guilt of inaction. As I read the news daily, I see much of the same thing. If it is not happening in Mumbai, then it is happening in Jammu. Or Imphal. Or Chattisghar. I don't see myself in the foreseeable future to kill someone. Then why would any sane person kill so many people? And sane they must be. How else could a person or persons carry out such an attack. What circumstances would push a person to such an extreme that he would kill others? And what could I have done to pull him back from that point? If the place he grew up in was bad, could i have done anything to make it a better one? If he had no friends as he grew up, could I have not done with another one? Could I have not made even a slight difference that he might have hesitated for another second over that button that blew the bombs?

I read in books that as kids grow up, they hope to make a difference. i don't think I ever did. I think I just wanted to be a fire man or in the navy and live the rest of my life in peace. As I grew up, I convinced myself that doing just that did in fact serve a bigger picture. That doing something just as simple as "your job" meant that you were infact making an impact. That when an software professional churns out a code, he is infact helping and contributing. The fact that the system is not working satisfactorily only means that someone else is not doing his job correctly.

But as time goes by, I am not so sure of myself. If the above case was true, if someone is doing less of a job then should i not be doing more then my job. Of course not. Why should I? But "Could " I not be doing more then my job? Then why am I not? Why this inertia? I think I have the tools for making a contibution. The system that I want to correct must surely have provided me with those tools. I am not very happy with my education. I only finished high school. But I do have more then 10 years of professional experience. Surely that must count in something. I am an ordinary person. I did not fight in the face of adversity to get all of that. The system gave it to me. But then why does this same system encourage me to be inert?

And it is the system that makes me inert. It makes us all inert. Why else do my brother and Sister-in-law, two of the most gifted people I know, not do anything? Why else does my father, a retired air force officer, not do anything? Why else does my cousin, who did his post graduation from IIT, not do anything? Why are bombs explopding? Why are farmers killing themselves? why are people dying of hunger? Why am refusing to do anything about it?

Puja my wife was a bit concerned with my crying. She patted my back and said that she too felt bad about the dead people. I wanted to tell her that I didn't give a rats arse about the dead people. I was crying at my impotency.