Friday, September 29, 2006

Jerry Springer and Indian Biker Daddy's

Or Riding on bikes with Daddy - II

So where was I? Yes For some reason, I had drifted over to talking about riding with dad on the Vijay Super. It is probably a good thing that I stopped then, because I would inevitably have then drifted on to how in a darstedly move, he sold off the beauty to some milkman for 40 USD before my 18th birthday when I was out at sea. A occasion of great tragedy, which I never refer to except when I am listing out points that I never refer to.

So the point was this. Indians travel everywhere with their daddy on a two wheeler. They travel in front, behind, and in some Indian vehicles, even above or below their esteemed fathers. But under no circumstances will you ever see an Indian riding alongside his father.

The reasons for this are not hard to understand once you try to the understand the sociological ethos and the root of all traditions of the nation. It would be a gross insult and a tragedy of unmigitated sadness if proper protocol were not to be followed while in transit of a beautiful woman.

Consider this situation. As you are driving past in your two wheeler in all your splendor, you spot at 1 o clock, a vision in blue. Now if you are driving the bike, then you honk on the horn with vigor appropriate to the vision-ness of the particular vision.

Not everyone is gifted with daddy's who are fighter pilots. As a result, most of my friends were stuck behind dad's on slow moving scooters. This can prove very advantageous as the time of impact can sometimes last a lifetime. The potent weapons in the hands of young teenagers can range from simple glances to more complicated maneuvers involving the tongue and drool.

But if you thought that growing up was the only exciting period in the life of us scooter bound nation, you are much mistaken, as we grew up, we grew wings of our own. We took on more responsibility and once we went into our twenties, some of us could even stay out of home till nine in the night after taking permission from mummy. In such an open and free atmosphere, we would take to the streets on motorbikes in groups of two three or even more depending on the width of the roads where we would ride parallel to each other.

You see, because India is a free and democratic country, we even have a right of equality as a fundamental right. As a result you will find as a rule that Indian men when driving bikes in groups, will always ride them parallel to each other. While they are doing this, they will also engage in other things like talk to each other, talk to each other that their cell phone is ringing, talk to each other that they are talking to each other on the cell phone, and talk to each other that while they are talking to each other on the mobile phone various things like cows are heading in their direction. I think this is directly a result of our nice history. One of my friend went to Pakistan and he tells me that there people drive in a V-formation and the people behind the leader constantly try to put a stick in his wheel.

But we are deviating from the topic. So as I was telling you, when we would take to the roads in parallel formation, we would learn the true value of stubtle. For example, when ever we would pass a white woman, we would shout, "Dekho dekho! Gori!" (Look look! White woman!) while honking and pointing fingers. After all it was understood by us that making lewd gestures with our tongues did not substantially enhance our chances of scoring and yet often would give us sore tongues.

I am sorry, but we Indians can do no such thing when accompanied with our fathers. It is against our ethic, our fabric of society and all of those things. It is simply unacceptable. I know you white people think that father is a friend and all that. I saw in TV this show called "jerry Springer" that sometimes fathers are even more then friends. But I am sorry, even Jerry Springer refuses to ride motorcycles with his daddy.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Riding on Bikes with Daddy

White people just don't get it. I don't know why that is so, but it is so. The other day, I saw a chap asking people on the net about renting a couple of bikes so that he and his dad could drive around India and generally have fun. Apparently he wasn't a good biker and was wondering if he could keep up with his dad in a country like India.

He asked the same question after a couple of weeks when he didn't get any replies, but he still didn't any reply. Neither did he get the point. You just don't ride bikes with your dad. How difficult is that to understand?

I was raised like any normal Indian. That I didn't turn out to be one does should not reflect in any demeaning manner on my parents. But the fact of the manner is that like all Indians I have ridden on bikes with papa. If you look up on my other blog about dad, you will see that he used to ride the Jawa. I have no memories of the Jawa. Infact if I didn't keep leaving links for it everywhere, it is doubtful that I would even find the link to my blog again.

But I do remember the Vijay Super. That was the only scooter that shall ever qualify as beautiful in my directory. This is a picture that I have culled from the web, but ours was pretty much the same except for the fact that we had a carrier fixed on the back of the spare tyre. From the day I remember this scooter, I was standing on the front part of the scooter, between the steering and dad. My elder brother, in deference to his size and familial status would sit behind dad, and mom would bring about the rearguard of the family as our daily rations were piled up on the carrier ...

(to be contd..)

Friday, September 22, 2006

The dreaded Veluitis

The thorntree is a great place to hang out for someone who likes to travel. Or anybody who doesn't like to like to travel & yet still has to. I had also posted the "urinating Norms in India" thread In the Indian Sub Branch. Some of the replies to it were most entertaining. I am not very sure how long the Mods on that branch will allow it to float on the TT waters, so let me run by a few of them here.Till then please see the thread on its original site:

Terry recounted how he had suffered directly due to the horrible bacteria:-

Horrible side effect: The damn Indian bacteria (veluitis) made my package huge, but shrunk my bladder to the size of a peanut.

Result: I'm hung like a porn star, but have to go to the bathroom every 3 minutes.

Personal allegations were heaped in my directions for raising the deadly Veluitis:


...Velu has been one of the leading oracles on this branch for many years, ever since he got honourable discharge from the merchant navy in 2003, when he (not to his fault, I haste to add) contracted an unpleasant disease in Shanghai at Maison Pouce.

Velu has set his heart and mind to all things medical, and will answer any question regarding health and hygiene in India...

...Veluitis however is far more serious, since it is bacterial and as far as we know there's no antibiotics available at this moment to cure it, so pay heed to OP's warning, otherwise you'll end up hung like poor Terry...

LAwoman: ...Velu, you must have picked up the bacteria from that strip joint you visited in Texas, so much for cheap lap dances...

There were alternate veluitis avoidence methods as well.

Ashique : ...This problem as far as I understand was addressed long back. According to a UN health report, mostly men urinate on the street walls standing and they were advised to carry a scissors, and occassionally cut the urine stream. So every few seconds, the connectivity is lost and the bacteria falls back on the ground...

But this was rapidly dismissed by Tonya001 :

...A recent report, published and peer-reviewed, pointed out that the scissors method to cut the flow was an urban myth and noted that the real way to stop the bacteria was to pee upwards in short bursts making an arc - but ensure that ye stop each short burst before other end of arc reaches the ground. Alternatively, if ye have forskin, pinch this very tightly as ye pee...

Ofcourse not everyone believed in Veluitis. These people have not been heard of since. I hope they have not fallen prey.

SlimesA: ...This is a joke right? Or perhaps we're witnessing the birth of a new urban myth.

Bacteria can "swim", but oh so slowly - about 5 minutes for 1 mm according to the first link below. The idea that one can swim up a stream of piss is just laughable. And waiting to pounce?!..

Sky Princess: ...I thought they were little bugs but everyone says bacteria because they were so small. So which is it? Like simesA says bacteria actually can't travel that fast, but bugs can. Please use appropriate terminology so as not to confuse people!...

Some of the other great method of Veluits avoidance were listed as well:

Gengis : ...or you can piss thru a one way filter and eliminate the upward travel of the bugs...

CoqitoErgoSum: ...Most people just drink a bottle of antibacterial mouthwash in the morning. That way the bacteria die on contact.

Just make sure you don't use whitening mouthwash - the missus might not like the colour mismatch. ...

Uli qlueck: ...Are there no pissing purification filter, maybe from kathadyn or some well known brands.
For the light packed travelers maybe purification tabletts which you can take an hour before your business?...

Hardbubble: ...My technique is to run backwards as fast as possible, while urinating.

Run forward for pooping.

If pooping and peeing, sit in a swing alternating streams of pee and poop as you rock back and forth. Long steady arcs work best as you will be clenching/releasing just a little less often. I recommend practicing at a childrens playground before heading to India....

Such talent. Sigh! Piss safe friends!!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

My Happy Birthday to me!

Yes. It is my birthday today.

Apart from the fact that I have aged another year and don't seem to be any wiser from it, it is proving to be much fun.

Much to Puja's anguish, these days the birthdays seem to be welcomed at midnight. This ofcourse means that someone has to stay awake till midnight so that the rest can be woken up. As you can see, I am not slowly taking the narrative to a party that was most rocking!

But thankfully we had Rajat, my batchmate and my chaddi-buddy to give me company through the aurdous hours leading up to midnight. Ofcourse a few pegs of officers choice did help in relieving the burden of each others company. I think we didn't deviate much from our usual discussion on topics ranging from the Karmic circle to our great wisdom in being able to talk about the karmic circle.
Puja , full credit to her, did manage to stay awake till almost midnight, but the poor thing has been below the weather these last few days with a viral and needed to be nudged at approprite intervals so as to make nodding gestures in Rajats direction.

Then about 10 min before midnight, Rajat called it a night and went off. I thought, " Great! Some action with the Mrs perhaps?" But before I could put any moves in effect, in comes Rajat again with a choclate cake and there was as much commotion and clapping as three people can legally make in a hostel at midnight ! :)

I got great gifts. TWO FabIndia cotten shirts which are great as is evident from the pictures. I even wore the red shirt in the morning and it does look good on me , a fact that you will have to agree with simply because it is my birthday today.

But the best part was the Stamps! Puja went all the way to VT while she was sick to get me these neat miniature sheets! I liked the sheet from Anguilla the best. It is so beautiful, that you could just stand looking at is for such a long time. But also, the views are what we have in our Admilarity sailing directions. . Also there is a stamp ( I think Russian) about some football event in Brazil that happened during 1983. I will have to check up on that. But there was great happiness and I have now put them all in my stamp album.

I think I will wait another day before I shout on Puja for going out to buy me gifts when she was sick.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Urinating norms in India

It is like this. India has never been known to be a very healthy place. You hardly have to step out of your hotel before you are assaulted by people urinarting everywhere. This has led to great epidemics like bomb blasts and aircraft falling.

Now it is like this. More and more forigners are urinating on the side of the road sides of side roads. But they are not knowing. There are these bacterias that actually climb upstream through the stream of urine as it falls on the ground. These bacteria are waiting on the ground, waiting to pounce up the first stream of urine that is splashed on to them. After they swim up, they lodge themselves in the urine emiting appendege or crevice (as appropriate) and cause much sadness.

The method to avoid this sadness in India is as follows:

1) Urinate with all your might.
2) Urinate maximum for 2.35 seconds. These are very fast bacteria.
3) Stop urinating.
4) Hop over five jumps to the right.
5) Repeat step 1 to 4 till as long as required.

This procedure is not as easy as it appears. Please practice it a bit before you come to this (otherwise) beautiful country.

Issued in interest of interested public.


Monday, September 18, 2006

The days are all packed.

My blog does not seem to have any entries in it for some time now. It is probably a good thing. But then most things, good or bad, must be explained when possible.

As everyone is aware, there is nothing like some good education to kill anything creative in a person. I have joined college. In Mumbai.

The weird part of it is that there is so much to write about in a place like Nagpur when you are doing practically nothing, but in Mumbai when the day is literally packed, there just seems to be nothing to write about at the end of the day. A day in mumbai is like a roller-coaster ride, after which, you just want to sit down on a bench and grin to yourself.